Monday, October 19, 2009

My Balls, Interrupted

So today was the day that I go to the urologist to undergo a vasectomy. I call it an everlasting kick in the balls that doesn't seem to know when to stop. But I'm jumping ahead here. Let me give you a little back story here to shine some light on why I'm icing my sack with a bag of frozen peas.

The decision to get this was for my wife. I'd do anything for her (well, anything legal :P) and while seeing the pain of her being pregnant with our third child over the past year and knowing that she can't go though that kind of pain for a fourth time , we decided that one of us should take more permanent measures on preventing anymore pregnancies. I didn't want to put my wife though the pain and hassle of going under the knife for a hysterectomy, so I manned up and said, I'll go though and get a vasectomy. And after some research on how vasectomies are performed and how less labor intensive they are compared to the other option for my wife, it was an easy decision.

This brings us to this morning. We arrive at the doctor's office in Tempe around 7:35am for an 8 o'clock appointment. The older two boys were dropped off at school by a friend of ours and we had our four-month-old with us waiting in the, well, waiting room... (no shit, huh?!?) So the nurse gets me at about 8:20, takes my vitals and my wife and kid is left in the waiting room while I get my snip-snip on in the office. (It's an outpatient procedure for the most part so no hospital stays here people...) The nurse brings her laptop (because every nurse that works there has one to record vitals to their servers through wi-fi) and then asks me what kind of music I like. Initially thinking that that was an odd request but knowing now the motive of it, I decided to go for some rock music, so she starts streaming Yahoo! music set to Alternative Rock. Pretty decent for the most part, kept me relaxed during the whole thing. So she leaves and tell me to strip from the waist down; alright, can't really get to my junk with denim jeans in the way I guess.. She comes back and I'm sittin on the deli paper on the table holding my package; and she replies "You know that you can drape yourself with that paper behind you?" Modesty check, failed. Oh yea, did I forget to tell you about the arsenal of forceps and cutty-things on their rolling table just waiting to make contact with my ballsack, very intimidating.

Then the doc comes in., just swaggering as if we're just going though a walk in the park.. But like any smart dog knows that a ride in the car might end up to trip to the vet's office for a little bit off the top... (Just imagine the sound of a dog yelping and that's what going through my mind a the time.) By this time a little Foo Fighters and Atreyu had already finished playing and that put me into a decent mood, until the damn big-ass needle with the local anesthetic. OMFG I hate fuckin' needles with a passion. The doc told me that I might feel a pinch then some pressure afterwards. So he stuck me, in my sack, and it punched, and it BURNED!!! Oh God the burning sensation. Then the doc felt around and clamped my vas deferens with the forceps, and that was no pressure, that was vice smashing my balls into a paste, like a vicious pit bull snacking on meat flavored rag doll. Told the doc about the pressure and he said, it's normal... and I'm thinking (what the hell was the point of the anesthetic. Also doesn't help that he didn't give the anesthetic enough time to work it's magic. By this time he made a slit in my scrotum and he's pulling my vas deferens from there. How ironic that Slipknot's Dead Memories start to play as he's going though this. Then he shows me the cauterizer, that's what the doc uses to burn off each end of the tube after he removes the section of it. It supposed to smell like burning and luckily for me the anesthetic was in full force at that time. The he stitched me up, moved on the second side (God I wished that I was Lance Armstrong at that time.)

He started to clamp, felt pressure, can't do shit about that, but then he started to make the incision, that I'm not supposed to feel, but I did, and I told him, "I kinda felt that, can you hit me up with that needle again?) Figure a needle is gonna be a helluva lot less painful then feeling an open sack and a cold pair of scissors or scalpel. By that time, My Chemical Romance's Black Parade was playing and I started to cringe. The doc thought he was doing something or if it was the pressure, and in part it was that and the other part was that I fuckin' hate that band. I don't do emo and if I want to hear from a bunch of whiny pussies, I'll watch Lifetime with the wifie. Somehow it seems that the second side was much faster than the first by no comparison. And the stitching was done lickity-split. Hep put some bandages on the incisions and I was just thankful that they're weren't the Dora the Explorer kind, cause that would just be too weird. Like any of my other posts are normal, right?!? Also per the doc's instructions I was supposed to have supportive underwear to protect my balls from just flopping around and that meant tighty-whities. I haven't warn them since the fifth grade and man, that is an uncomfortable feeling at first, but I've gotten over it by now I only know now that that uncomfortable feeling now was really just my balls on recovery at the time. So I continue to get dressed and then, and THEN, after all that, Red Hot Chili Peppers comes on. I swear, the only thing that I could think of was, "If I have to go though all that hell, just to hear By The Way, I'm never playing Give It Away on my bass ever again!!!"

So I'm outta the office, the wife's driving me home avoiding any potholes and speed bumps to make sure that the package arrives safely at home. She filled my prescription of Percocet and not a moment too soon cause the boys were definitely starting to feel all butt-hurt and everything, for good reason I might add. Started watching a DVD to pass the time and I was passed out for like an hour or so, had to start the movie all over again which kinda pissed me off a little bit, but if that was the only thing that really pissed me off all day (and it was,) then I can say that it was a good day.

Yup, that's my interpretation of a vasectomy. That was my experience. This is my experience right now. Still have a pack of frozen peas on my balls typing my blog, switching back and forth from this, Facebook, my Project Playlist, and other stuff online. But if I could do it again for my wife, I would. I'm just lucky that I can only do it once.

BootLeG sampler.. signing out...

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