Some side effects may include...

So I'm writing about my post-op experiences after the vasectomy. And I'm getting lots of questions from those close to me about how was it and all sorts of weird crap. So I decided to make a generalized FAQ about my experience with the whole nip/tuck from down under. Without further ado, cause FAQ's are all about as direct of a response as possible, let's cut (bad use of word here) the crap and list some FAQ's.

Q: Did/does it hurt?
A: The only thing that hurt during the process was the needle to the sack and the fact that there was a lot of pressure on there due to the clamping of the tube and the local anesthetic not kicking in just yet. And as for currently, it only feels a small bit of pain if I get up, sit down, or move too fast too suddenly.

Q: Are you taking anything for it?
A: An antibiotic to combat any infections and percocet for any pain that is not manageable without it.

Q: Why didn't you just have your wife get her tubes tied instead?
A: The process of a vasectomy is a quick 30-60 min office procedure with a day or two to recover from. This versus my wife that has to go under general anesthesia and major surgery with a helluva lot longer recovery time. Also my wife's been though hell enough already giving birth to our three sons and I don't want to worry her with any kind of complications in that regard as well.

Q: Can you still do the things you used to do?
A: This is in regard with my sex life and pleasing my wife. Yes, I can still do all that stuff just like I've been able to do the whole time. It's not like it's going to be nothing coming out, it's just that there's no sperm in the semen to impregnate the wifie. So it's like you can't tell the difference. At least that's what I heard. By the time of this post I'm still in the "can't have sex for 7-10 days because you might tear those stitches" window. So that's fuckin' killing me.

Q: Can you walk.
A: Uhhh... yeah, duh?!? I made it from the doctors to wherever I am now, right?!?

Q: Do you still have your balls.
A: Of course. They didn't take those away from me. The only thing that they've done was separate the tubing from my testicles that produced sperm and made sure that I wouldn't be able to produce again. Unlike popular opinion, it's not like if you take a dog to the vet and they totally snip the whole kibbles and bits off. That's just barbaric to even suggest that to a man, we're more sophisticated and have the ability to just go under and sever the ties (no pun intended, I swear) to what allows us to procreate.

So that's the the FAQ's about my vasectomy experience. I hope that this answered some of your general questions as well as some that might not have came into your mind. I tried to keep this as short as possible due to the strange and variance of off-the-wall responses that I've been experiencing. Hopefully this will silence the masses for a moment until the next radical thing that happens to me.

BootLeG sampler.. signing out...

My Balls, Interrupted

So today was the day that I go to the urologist to undergo a vasectomy. I call it an everlasting kick in the balls that doesn't seem to know when to stop. But I'm jumping ahead here. Let me give you a little back story here to shine some light on why I'm icing my sack with a bag of frozen peas.

The decision to get this was for my wife. I'd do anything for her (well, anything legal :P) and while seeing the pain of her being pregnant with our third child over the past year and knowing that she can't go though that kind of pain for a fourth time , we decided that one of us should take more permanent measures on preventing anymore pregnancies. I didn't want to put my wife though the pain and hassle of going under the knife for a hysterectomy, so I manned up and said, I'll go though and get a vasectomy. And after some research on how vasectomies are performed and how less labor intensive they are compared to the other option for my wife, it was an easy decision.

This brings us to this morning. We arrive at the doctor's office in Tempe around 7:35am for an 8 o'clock appointment. The older two boys were dropped off at school by a friend of ours and we had our four-month-old with us waiting in the, well, waiting room... (no shit, huh?!?) So the nurse gets me at about 8:20, takes my vitals and my wife and kid is left in the waiting room while I get my snip-snip on in the office. (It's an outpatient procedure for the most part so no hospital stays here people...) The nurse brings her laptop (because every nurse that works there has one to record vitals to their servers through wi-fi) and then asks me what kind of music I like. Initially thinking that that was an odd request but knowing now the motive of it, I decided to go for some rock music, so she starts streaming Yahoo! music set to Alternative Rock. Pretty decent for the most part, kept me relaxed during the whole thing. So she leaves and tell me to strip from the waist down; alright, can't really get to my junk with denim jeans in the way I guess.. She comes back and I'm sittin on the deli paper on the table holding my package; and she replies "You know that you can drape yourself with that paper behind you?" Modesty check, failed. Oh yea, did I forget to tell you about the arsenal of forceps and cutty-things on their rolling table just waiting to make contact with my ballsack, very intimidating.

Then the doc comes in., just swaggering as if we're just going though a walk in the park.. But like any smart dog knows that a ride in the car might end up to trip to the vet's office for a little bit off the top... (Just imagine the sound of a dog yelping and that's what going through my mind a the time.) By this time a little Foo Fighters and Atreyu had already finished playing and that put me into a decent mood, until the damn big-ass needle with the local anesthetic. OMFG I hate fuckin' needles with a passion. The doc told me that I might feel a pinch then some pressure afterwards. So he stuck me, in my sack, and it punched, and it BURNED!!! Oh God the burning sensation. Then the doc felt around and clamped my vas deferens with the forceps, and that was no pressure, that was vice smashing my balls into a paste, like a vicious pit bull snacking on meat flavored rag doll. Told the doc about the pressure and he said, it's normal... and I'm thinking (what the hell was the point of the anesthetic. Also doesn't help that he didn't give the anesthetic enough time to work it's magic. By this time he made a slit in my scrotum and he's pulling my vas deferens from there. How ironic that Slipknot's Dead Memories start to play as he's going though this. Then he shows me the cauterizer, that's what the doc uses to burn off each end of the tube after he removes the section of it. It supposed to smell like burning and luckily for me the anesthetic was in full force at that time. The he stitched me up, moved on the second side (God I wished that I was Lance Armstrong at that time.)

He started to clamp, felt pressure, can't do shit about that, but then he started to make the incision, that I'm not supposed to feel, but I did, and I told him, "I kinda felt that, can you hit me up with that needle again?) Figure a needle is gonna be a helluva lot less painful then feeling an open sack and a cold pair of scissors or scalpel. By that time, My Chemical Romance's Black Parade was playing and I started to cringe. The doc thought he was doing something or if it was the pressure, and in part it was that and the other part was that I fuckin' hate that band. I don't do emo and if I want to hear from a bunch of whiny pussies, I'll watch Lifetime with the wifie. Somehow it seems that the second side was much faster than the first by no comparison. And the stitching was done lickity-split. Hep put some bandages on the incisions and I was just thankful that they're weren't the Dora the Explorer kind, cause that would just be too weird. Like any of my other posts are normal, right?!? Also per the doc's instructions I was supposed to have supportive underwear to protect my balls from just flopping around and that meant tighty-whities. I haven't warn them since the fifth grade and man, that is an uncomfortable feeling at first, but I've gotten over it by now I only know now that that uncomfortable feeling now was really just my balls on recovery at the time. So I continue to get dressed and then, and THEN, after all that, Red Hot Chili Peppers comes on. I swear, the only thing that I could think of was, "If I have to go though all that hell, just to hear By The Way, I'm never playing Give It Away on my bass ever again!!!"

So I'm outta the office, the wife's driving me home avoiding any potholes and speed bumps to make sure that the package arrives safely at home. She filled my prescription of Percocet and not a moment too soon cause the boys were definitely starting to feel all butt-hurt and everything, for good reason I might add. Started watching a DVD to pass the time and I was passed out for like an hour or so, had to start the movie all over again which kinda pissed me off a little bit, but if that was the only thing that really pissed me off all day (and it was,) then I can say that it was a good day.

Yup, that's my interpretation of a vasectomy. That was my experience. This is my experience right now. Still have a pack of frozen peas on my balls typing my blog, switching back and forth from this, Facebook, my Project Playlist, and other stuff online. But if I could do it again for my wife, I would. I'm just lucky that I can only do it once.

BootLeG sampler.. signing out...